listening to james blake’s retrograde track on repeat. totally my thing at the moment. i am bathing in desperation and sadness. oh dear hopefully i am getting out of this mood fast.
but what’s actually a good point is: I have overcome my eating disorder. the last time I did have an attack had happened around the midst of august. I am not eating clean but somehow I can stop when I am full and satisfied. Half a year ago I could barely imagine myself leaving something on the plate over nor throwing it away nor having sweets at home that rot. haha in fact I got those nice cocos cookies that I am not really into for almost 3 weeks. and did not touch them at all. I can stop eating. I am sure I am not cured yet. and I am far away from clean eating and stuff. but I am taking the baby steps. and I realized that I am not one who can do this in a fast manner and I am not one being able to do this with strictness and much pressure. I eat when I am hungry and I eat what I like right now. Some day soon I hope I can be able to truly accept who I am.
next week I can hopefully get back to working out
als ich heute morgen aufwachte war er nicht mehr hier.
Das Bett neben mir war leer.
Stille. Es ist so ruhig.
beruhigend, oder doch vielmehr beunruhigend?
Noch bin ich mir nicht sicher.
doch es lauert schon die Einsamkeit
wie viele kleine Ameisen aufgescheucht
schwärmt sie langsam aus
zieht und zerrt
erst vorsichtig mit zunehmender intensität
an der leere in mir.